Okay, for all four of you who aren't aware, there is a great evil in this world. This evil is known by the name Stephanie Meyer. She is, to be quite honest, a terrible writer, and when I'm the loser who used to do self insert fanfic and almost made his main character in what he's working SERIOUSLY on a total perfect self insert boring invincible hero, that's saying a lot. But let's not talk about THAT part of her writing, because I could go on forever about her grammatical errors and her constant use of a thesaurus.

So what is the thing that has led me to believe she is such an evil entity? Three words: The Twilight Saga. If you've been living under a rock for the last few years, let me sum it up: Transparent Mary Sue (Bella) moves to Forks, Washington and meets Vampire Emo (Edward). The entire relationship can be summed up like this:

Edward: I love you... but... I'm DANGEROUS!!!
Bella: OMG I LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE DANGEROUS~! ...AND YOU SPARKLE~!
Me: *toss the book in the garbage* Well, that was a waste of 19.99.

LEt's start with the faults with the first book... now, as mentioned, Bella is, all honesty, a very thinly disguised Mary Sue. To everyone, she's fucking perfect. I hate these kinds of characters now that I was made aware of them, and have actively tried to avoid making what was once a self insert the farthest thing possible from me in all ways. She doesn't even seem to have any real personality traits besides "I Love Edward". It's strange how the Mary Sue is quite possibly the least developed character in the book.

Moving on from Bella, we've got her love interest, the "vampire" Edward. Where the hell do I begin. He's cold. He's brooding. He's abusive towards Bella. And besides that, he's 109 fucking years old. And Bella's a teenager. Teenagers don't fall in love and pedophiles only experience sexual pull. Now, my abusive comments regard how Edward doesn't want Bella talking to anyone but him. Kinda selfish. Not to mention that he's a creepy stalker who sneaks into her room at night to watch her sleep. No I am not joking, he really does that. Robert Pattinson, I have to ask, how could you go from portraying Cedric Diggory to THIS guy?!

More problems with Twilight involve how the series completely fucking ignores every rule of vampirism we've grown to know and love. The main rule I speak of is that vampires must DIE AND BECOME A PILE OF ASH IN THE SUN. Vampires do NOT fucking sparkle like Liberace coated in meth. Now, the speed and strength may have been accurate, but that was ALL they got right. And one other thing? VAMPIRES DO FUCKING SLEEP. They sleep during the day!They should NOT be going to fucking high school! The only exceptions I will allow are Moka from Rosario + Vampire because she still has the weaknesses vampires have (even if scaled back), and Karin Maaka from Karin due to her reverse vampirism. Furthermore, one of the dumbest liberties with the vampire formula ever happens around the end of the first book: vampire venom. Basically, Bella is bitten by a vampire and will turn into one if the venom isn't sucked out. Since when are vampires part snake?! ANSWER ME!!! King cobra vampires don't exist, goddammit! Unfortunately, Edward sucks it out and forgets to feast on the rest of her blood so that the book can at least have a happy ending for me.

...but then again, a happy ending for me would have been Edward not being around when Tyler's van spun out of control, thus leading to Bella being smashed to a bloody paste between his van and her car. Team Tyler's Van all the way, buddy.

Join me for part 2 where I vent about the second part, New Moon, where Bella rejects the only three dimensional character in the series for her stalker Sparklepire.